Am I Emotionally Unavailable? 10 Signs You Might be

Are you struggling in your relationships? Do you feel like you are making the same mistakes over and over? If so, it may have you wondering, “Am I emotionally unavailable?”

Here, we’ll cover what it means to be emotionally available and 10 signs you are emotionally unavailable. We hope this guide can help you learn how to recognise emotionally unavailable behaviour and encourage you to take the steps to move past it healthily.

What Is Being Emotionally Unavailable?

Although it isn’t a scientific term, being emotionally unavailable generally refers to an individual who is closed down when it comes to sharing their feelings or discussing their emotions. They can be difficult to read, evasive, and fearful of getting close to anyone or having a meaningful relationship.

These traits make it difficult to maintain a healthy relationship with an emotionally unavailable individual.

Why Am I Attracted to Emotionally Unavailable Partners?

Often, we end up repeating the same relationship patterns — even negative ones. We seek comfort in the familiar, even if that means a person that may not be an ideal match for us.

If you find yourself continually attracted to emotionally unavailable partners, it may be a sign to look inward and consider what keeps pulling you to these relationships. A professional matchmaker can help pinpoint pitfalls like this and find a partner that is a healthier, more fulfilling, sustainable match for you.

Am I Emotionally Unavailable? 10 Signs to Look For

Here are 10 signs that you are emotionally unavailable. You can also ask yourself if your partner meets any of these signs to see if you are dating someone emotionally unavailable.

1. You Avoid Deep Conversations

If you or the person you are dating avoids ‘deep’ conversations and serious topics, this is a red flag. A healthy relationship involves clear, honest communication. If you are unwilling to share your feelings or emotions, that indicates you aren’t ready for a serious relationship.

Ask yourself if you are comfortable talking about the following:

• Insecurities
• Longings
• Hopes and dreams
• Life goals
• Regrets
• Tough things you have been through in your life
• How you handle hard times
• Your expectations for the relationship

If you shut down or change the topic when tough conversations come up, this is a huge sign that you are an emotionally unavailable partner. A healthy relationship involves partners that are willing to share their deepest emotions and listen to their partner to truly connect and make each other feel heard and supported.

2. Relationships Feel Like a Job to You

Do you feel like relationships are more like a task or a job rather than something that is meaningful and adds value to your life? Of course, relationships take work. However, if it feels like a job or something you dread, you may not be an emotionally available partner.

3. You Want to Steer Clear of Labels

A partner that does not want to label the relationship can be a red flag. Whether you want to steer clear of labels or your partner does, this may indicate emotional unavailability. Although relationships can be healthy in a variety of forms, both partners must be on the same page and have clear expectations.

4. Emotional Intimacy Is Uncomfortable for You

Do you feel smothered by closeness and emotional intimacy? Emotionally unavailable partners often act independent but this is an attempt to hide vulnerabilities and insecurities.

If you pull away once a relationship starts getting serious, it may be time to take a closer look at your insecurities and fears regarding getting close to someone. There are likely some areas in your life that need healing.

5. Hot and Cold Behaviour

Emotionally unavailable individuals tend to go from hot and cold with their emotions — and fast. One second, they may act extremely close to you and make you feel secure in the relationship. The next day, they may be distant, avoid your calls, or makeup excuses to avoid seeing you.

The relationship will rapidly move between periods of “hot and cold”, making it hard to know what to expect from your partner from one day to the next. This can make the relationship feel scary, uncertain, and uncomfortable — the opposite of what a healthy relationship should involve. No one deserves to feel like they are being pulled back and forth in a relationship.

6. You Are Unclear With Your Intentions

An emotionally unavailable partner is unclear with their intentions. If you find yourself constantly second-guessing the relationship, what your partner needs, what your partner wants, and where the relationship is heading, this is one of the signs of an emotionally unavailable partner.

An emotionally unavailable partner also tends to leave their partner feeling like they are ‘walking on eggshells’ constantly (which is also one of the ways to know you are dating a narcissist).

You should feel comfortable being yourself around your partner, asking for what you need, listening to what your partner needs, and sharing a healthy dynamic. If not, it may be time to consider the future of your relationship and if it is healthy to continue.

7. They Are Selfish

Emotionally unavailable partners are often too focused on their feelings to be aware of the feelings of other people (another sign of dating a narcissist).

A supportive, caring partner will always make time for you and make you feel valued. Alternatively, an emotionally unavailable partner will leave you feeling second place in almost everything in your life. If you are constantly rearranging your schedule and making sacrifices to spend time with your partner but they do not do the same, this is a sign they are emotionally unavailable. Healthy relationships involve “give and take” from both partners and should always feel equal.

8. You Want to Keep Seeing Other People

If you insist on seeing multiple people instead of committing to one person, this may indicate you are attempting to avoid getting close to one person. Multiple attachments ensure you can try to keep things from getting serious with any one individual.

9. You Struggle to Trust Your Partner

If you are distrustful of partners and pull away from anyone you start to feel close to, this likely means that you do not trust their intentions and are fearful of getting hurt. If you struggle with trust issues, it sets up the relationship for failure right from the start.

10. You Cut People Off Quickly and Without Reason

While it is important to cut out draining, toxic individuals from your life, emotionally unavailable partners do this all the time — and for no clear reason other than to avoid getting too close to someone.

If you find yourself wanting to end a relationship or friendship once you start connecting with someone, it may be a sign that you need to work on your capacity for true emotional intimacy. Cutting someone out of your life stops you from getting close to anyone and prevents you from finding a lasting, meaningful relationship.

Are You Emotionally Unavailable?

If you think being emotionally unavailable means you are incapable of love or a bad person, don’t worry. It is simply a sign that you are learning about yourself and have some growing to do as a person. Be proud of yourself for recognising the issue and being willing to work on it. It can be helpful to see it as an opportunity to become a partner, friend, and person.

Show yourself some grace, learn to recognise your toxic patterns and traits, and get help and tools for moving forward healthily.

If you find yourself being emotionally unavailable in relationships or if you keep seeking out emotionally unavailable partners, we invite you to contact us for help. Our dating and relationship coaches can help you build healthier dating patterns and learn to recognise areas you need to work on. Our professional matchmakers are here to find successful partners that are a healthy match for you and lead to a fulfilling, meaningful relationship.